Monday, August 31, 2015

Happy Dead Mom Day #24: A Message From Beyond

Some years are uneventful on the dead mom front. Just the customary abandonment issues and fears of an untimely death. You know, the usual. But some years, they Kick. Your. Ass. Good thing I had declared 2015 to be the year of the Grown Ass Woman, because I am here to do some Grown Ass Shit.

On January 1st, 2015, I woke up to find that somewhere between my third and ninth glass of champagne on New Year's Eve, I had emailed myself this mysterious message:
Bakarw980120. I took this to mean that sometime in the evening, I had resolved to book a session with my mystic to the stars, Bakara Wintner.  (BTW, I am the “stars” to which Bakara is a mystic. I mean, maybe she has other celebrity clients, but I am the star, obviously.) So Bakara came to my house, and gave me and my other aerial half, super famous sex icon Erin Clark, some uh-mazing readings.  Bakara dropped a lot of truthbombs and realness in the form of a beautifully illustrated and intuitive tarot reading full of grown ass woman shit. Bakara also brought a message from the beyond. “Your mother has a message for you, but she’s not going to give it to me. She wants you to talk to her.”

Guess how many things I will do to avoid a supernatural summons from my mother? All the things! I cleaned my apartment, you guys! I scrubbed the baseboards with organic lavender soap! I opened all my mail! I crossed off errands that had been on my to-do list since 2008!  And in all this avoidance activity, I found the thing my mom wanted to talk to me about. And I did not want to talk about it. At all.

"It" was a set of cassette tapes my mom had recorded before she died, and I had been hiding them in my desk for about seven years. I did not want to listen to them. What if they held information I couldn’t handle? What if she told me I wasn’t really her daughter, that I’d been switched at birth, or that she knew on which date the world was going to end, or that Prince William was actually my secret brother so our future marriage would be a case of incest, and not in a creepy-hot Flowers in the Attic way? What if listening to those tapes was more painful than losing her? No wonder I wanted to AVOID ALL THE THINGS!

A few days later, I was thinking about my mom when I passed a sign that had her name on it, in hot pink lettering. Fine, Mom, if you’re going to write it in pink, I will go home and listen to your stupid tapes. UGH. So, somewhere in the dregs of my apartment, I found an old Walkman, and some batteries, and I snot-cried all over everything while I tried to remember how to rewind a cassette tape. WHY MUST MY GRIEF BE SO ANALOG???? And I listened to the tapes. One was a sweet, rambling oral history of our family in which she revealed several things that I will most definitely put in a novel. And the second tape, which I feared would contain the real bomb, was actually THE BOMB. It was a tape full of Tina Turner’s country album from 1974, plus assorted hits circa 1986. That was my mom’s message from beyond.

My dead mom was on a roll, so she didn’t stop there. She sent me some diamond rings in the mail, rings I had left at a jeweler for 7 years, for, I don’t know, safe keeping? Let’s be real, I did not leave them at the jewelers for safe keeping, I left them because I did not want to deal with my shit.  Then, a few months later, I received what I like to call “My Box of Feelings” – a random package from my brother which contained the journals my mom kept while she was pregnant with me. Did I hide that box under my bed? No, I sat down, and I read those journals.  I dealt with my shit, and I learned about 40 million things which I will also put in a novel. The title of this novel, BTW, will be “Shit So Crazy I Can’t Make It Up So I Pretended It Was Fiction,” and I will sell it on Amazon for $7.99, so you should get Amazon Prime now so you can get that book shipped to you for free.

Since my dead mom had done such an excellent job of preparing me to deal with my shit, and showing me the rewards inherent in dealing with my shit, like diamond rings, expanded musical knowledge and a gold mine of  “artistic inspiration,” I decided it was time to deal with the real shit: my mother’s storage unit. For about 14 years, my siblings and I have shared a storage unit of stuff a moving company had packed for us, full of our mom’s belongings. We didn’t really even know what was in there, but I kept paying the bill for it because writing checks is easier than dealing with my shit.  But no longer! I am a Grown Ass Woman!! So I flew to Hawai’i, and my little sister and I rented a U-Haul, and we dealt with our mom’s shit.

Grown Ass Women drive big vans using their muscles and mermaid powers.
You know what’s a lot?  Physically handling your dead mom’s shit after 24 years.  I mean, if you want an exercise in sifting through what matters to you, store a bunch of sentimental items for a few decades, and then physically unwrap every piece of it and see how you feel about it then. I graduated from a box of feelings to a storage unit of feelings. And my primary feeling was this: Who needs this shit????? So we gave it all away. Except for the good silver. We sold that so we can shop at Anthropologie.

At 3am the following morning, I woke up in a panic. Because I gave all my mom’s shit away. I dealt with her shit, and then I threw it all away. See, what I had been storing in that unit was the idea that maybe someday, I could be surrounded by her things again, and then I would be surrounded by her again. But that time has passed. That place is no more. And twelve boxes of wedding china cannot bring her back to me.  But I can wear her rings, and look at her pictures, and read her journals, and feel my feelings, because that is where she lives now. We carry the people we love with us, we are their forever home.

So, to the Princes William and Harry, and to the rest of us on this Dead Mom Day, I want to tell you that if you are storing a Buckingham Palace full of your shit, empty it out. Deal with it. You will find a few treasures, but most of it you don’t need. Take the things that no longer serve you, thank them for whatever comfort they brought you, then donate the good stemware so someone else can use it, and throw out the rest.

Princess Diana says deal with your shit so you have room to dance!
We are only on this planet for so long, and we must keep our spaces clear for the real valuables, for the things that are actually precious to us. Like a bomb-ass Tina Turner tape.

I don't always write about dead moms, but I think it's fun when I do. If you want to see what else I have going on, follow me on Twitter or Facebook.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

What I Got My Dead Mom For Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother’s Day! Sorry I didn’t get you a card, or a spa trip. How about a blog post?

In the past few days, I’ve seen a lot of articles in which famous women write letters to their mothers or daughters, and I was like I WILL NOT BE MADE TO FEEL INADEQUATE IN MY CELEBRITY JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A DEAD MOM. So, here’s a letter to you. Prepare to be dazzled by my literacy! Sorry I broke with tradition and wrote this on a computer and not with three different crayons on a white wall.

Some things I’d like to tell you:

1) Now that you’re dead, you don’t have to deal with the American healthcare system, so let me fill you in on how it’s going for me. I got an IUD this week. (Don’t be scared. They’ve improved a lot since the ‘70s. The nice lady even did an ultrasound afterwards to show me that she had not perforated my uterus, therefore she did not accidentally render me sterile. I thought that was very considerate.) The insertion was more painful than I had thought it would be, so I distracted myself by thinking angry thoughts about the patriarchy and how no man ever has to take a day off when he wants to be proactive about contraception or purposeful about parenthood. You’re probably saying to yourself: Daughter, why are you writing about your contraceptive choices on the internet? This blog is supposed to be about me! But I have a point, Mom, and that point is militant feminism.

Dead Mom and Uterus-Owner, Princess Diana, gets it.
My heath insurance company informed me that it wouldn’t cover any contraception, not even the Pill. It also wouldn’t cover my annual mammogram, which, as you know, I have to get because of you. Thanks, Mom! Breast cancer is the family party that just won’t stop! When I told the receptionist at my gynecologist’s office that my insurance wouldn’t cover any contraception, she made a noise that I interpreted as “Oh, hell no,” put me on hold and then told me the nurse had approved me for their secret stash of free IUDs. Woohoo! Take that, patriarchy! Then, I called the billing department of the radiology center, and told that nice lady that my health insurance refused my appeal for coverage of my mammogram. That nice lady also made a “Oh, hell no” kind of sound, and said something mysterious about sending me a new bill. That new bill had miraculous $1,900 discount on it, next to the words “charity care.” I guess that means I have the breasts of Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol

SO, since it seems like my healthcare needs can only be met by divine intervention and the grace of medical office receptionists/goddesses, I can only assume you had a hand in all of that miracle-working. Thanks for being a militantly feminist guardian dead mom angel! I am now 99% less likely to make you the dead grandmother of the love child of some ginger bartender/ex-Soviet spy (#dreamman), and my boobs are clear for another year! Happy Mother’s Day to you! 

If my lady parts had an Instagram, their bio would read, “Militant feminism is giving me life! #iud #mammogram #onfleek” And then they’d take a selfie with Barbie at Coachella. You probably don’t understand anything I just said, but don’t sweat it. Being dead means you don’t have to keep up with everything. You’re too cool for that. (Get it? Get it? Too soon?)
The only thing better than a militant feminist is a ROYAL militant feminist.
2) So, Mom, now you know that I am not giving you a love child for Mother’s Day. BUT, I am giving you something better! It is my pleasure to inform you that on behalf of the United Kingdom and Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, you are the future dead step-grandmother of a princess! 

Sometimes I can’t believe Prince William’s timing. He married Duchess First Wife the weekend of my 31st birthday. At first I was offended, but then I realized his marriage anniversary is actually a secret, elaborately coded message of love. And now that William has produced a baby princess THE DAY AFTER MY 35th BIRTHDAY, I know his love is true. He might as well have handed me a birthday card that says, "Hey girl, I know your eggs are on the downtown train to No-ville. Don't worry. I got this. You just do you."

That’s right, Mom, I am the future stepmother of a princess! Happy Birthday to me, and Happy Mother’s Day to you! It’s like we are living in our very own fairytale! We just need a magic mirror and a bad attitude and our story will be complete! I don’t know what your title will be. Maybe something like Dead Queen Mother? I’ll have to research the appropriate honorifics for dead moms. If you see Princess Di, ask her what she thinks. 

The best part is that now that William has created an heir and a spare, he and I will be able to live out our lives on a yacht, devoted only to each other. Right now he has to live for his country, but once his patriotic obligations have been fulfilled, he’ll be able to live only for me. Here is a picture of our little Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. You’ll notice that her name contains some of the same letters that are in mine! More secret love codes!
Sleeping Beauty's First Public Appearance.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! You’re the best, even when you’re dead.

Love, Laura

p.s. I know you don’t know what You Tube is, but Tina Turner is on it, so I think you’d like it.

Greetings to everyone who finds this blog by Googling "I have a dead mom."
I don't always write about dead moms, but I think it's fun when I do. If you want to see what else I have going on, follow me on Twitter or Facebook.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Happy Mother's Day to All of Our Dead Moms

Happy Mother's Day to my dead mom and yours!!!!

A few weeks ago, my friend Kate took me to see the sublime RadhaMUSprime at Joe's Pub. You may not have heard of her, but she is awesome. Anyone who starts their show with the line, "YO WHERE MY PERIOD AT?" is okay by me. You should definitely watch the video at the bottom of this post, but first I want to talk about RadhaMUSprime and how she is like a safety flare guiding us through the dark night of this Mother's Day holiday.

Because I see you on the other side of this screen, hate-reading Mother's Day cards and blog posts and all the tributes on your Facebook feed. And I understand that you might want to throw your computer out the window because sometimes having a dead mom can feel like someone poked a hole in your floaties right before dropping you off in the deep end. Maybe you feel like singing this:

But it doesn't have to be that way. Girl, I got you.

Because the other important thing to know about RadhaMUSprime (and excuse me if I get these details kind of wrong, because I heard them during her show while chugging a $14 glass of rosé so I may not have been listening with my most sober ears): the way I heard it, RadhaMUSprime turned 40 the year her mom passed, and it was ROUGH. So what did RadhaMUSprime decide she needed to do? She decided to launch her hip-hop career. BAD. ASS. Don't mess with daughters of dead moms, amirite?

In RadhaMUSprime we trust.
Let that be a lesson to us all: When life gives you a dead mom, go out and get famous. Boom!

At the end of the show, RadhaMUSprime performed a song in front of her mother's picture. I was on my third glass of overpriced rosé, and I was feeling it. And by feeling it, I mean I was crying and clutching my sternum while trying to look hip, like oh what a poetic voice I really enjoy this fresh, provocative talent cough cough excuse me while I rip my heart from my chest and burn it to ashes. What I mean is, she got me. And because I was three drinks in I can't recall all the words except this line, which I wrote down in my iPhone during the curtain call:

Let love flow instead of leak.

There was also a bit she said about stop complaining and live all the dreams your dead moms can't. That got me too, because like I said last time, I'm just a few years out from my mom's age at diagnosis, and plenty of times I wonder how much longer I have to live out any of my dreams, or my mother's dreams. What were her dreams, anyway? I never asked her before she died. I was too busy wanting spaghetti for dinner and crushing on my music teacher's step-son. 

The reason I wanted to share that line is that on Mother's Day, it's easy to want to stop up your heart, curl up inside yourself, and hoard your love so that no one else can have it. Because one of the things that sucks about having a dead mom is that you keep on loving them even after they're dead, and that hurts. What also hurts is watching other people get to lavish all their love on the people who are still alive to receive it, whereas your love just circles back around to yourself, digging in like a burr that stabs every time you worry it. It's easy, then, to plug up your love, so you won't feel the pain. That's a dangerous way to live. You could end up corroding your own heart, like the crumbling acid gathered on a dead battery. But it doesn't have to be like that. That doesn't have to be your life. Your life could include an amazing hip-hop career, or whatever your version of an amazing hip-hop career would be. You just have to make like RadhaMUSprime and turn your pain into poetry.

This Mother's Day, here's what I prescribe:

  • Watch RadhaMUSprime's video below.
  • Call someone else's mother. Call anyone who's mothered you, even though it wasn't their job to mother you. Call someone who just became a mother, call someone who's been a mother for decades. Wish them a very happy Mother's Day, and mean it. There's nothing like doing something nice for someone else to make you feel better about yourself. And there's nothing like reminding yourself about all the people who love you back.  Let love flow instead of leak. Do yourself a favor, and don't corrode your own heart.
  • Live your dreams, go out and get famous, or at least speak your truth. All the dreams we have for ourselves can only happen now, while we still have time to make them. Your dead mom will be so proud of you.

If all that fails to comfort you, write some really amazing/awful dead mom poetry, and share it here. We can't all be RadhaMUSprime, but we can still rhyme! (See what I did there? You're welcome. You are so pretty.)


 fyov teaser final from Radha Blank on Vimeo.


I don't always write about dead moms. If you want to see what else I do, follow me on Twitter or Facebook.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Happy Dead Mom Day #22: Can You Turn Into Your Mother Even If She's Dead?

Happy Dead Mom Day #22, everybody! To those ladies who, in the desperate hours of the night entered "dead mom" into their Google search bars, welcome. Lay your head on my heaving bosom and stay awhile. There's no need to pretend anything here. In fact, we prefer it if you're gleefully unhinged. Shhhh...there you are now, you're so pretty.

Our mom has been dead for twenty-two years. Our dead mom could graduate from dead mom college! That's a big life transition, just like dying! Speaking of transitions, I'm sending a very Happy Dead Mom Day to Princess Diana, who must be very busy rearranging the stars to spell "Prince Georgie Forever!" I'd also like to take this opportunity to congratulate Kate and Will on the birth of my first stepchild. I'm a little obsessed with the royals, and our dead mom connection, but look at this picture:
My stepson's first family portrait! His mom is not dead, good for him!
That hair! Those dogs! I'm thinking I'll just screw going after the crown, knock Will out of the way, settle down happily at the palace with Kate, and spend the rest of my life reading paranormal romance novels aloud with my face buried in her hair while the baby and the dogs play at our feet. Then on Dead Mom Day, I'll write out these blog posts on a scroll and have the town crier read them from the palace steps. It will be a beautiful life.

Now that Wills has a baby, the pressure is off! I wonder what my own dead mom is thinking about the royal baby. Is she looking at her stopped watch, shaking her head at me and whispering, "Tick, tock. Tick, tock." Or is she too busy turning cartwheels on the moon with Mae West to care that I haven't yet brought forth fruit from my womb to turn my dead mom into a dead grandmom? What are my dead mom's feelings on progeny?

I am 33 years old (thank you, I know I look good!), which means I am in my Jesus Year (because Jesus was 33 when he died...and was resurrected, depending on your belief system). According to Google, a Jesus Year is also an opportunity for transformation and magical thinking, which I decided to accelerate by going on a vision quest and doing one new thing a day. So, on the themes of transformation and dead moms, today I am wondering: can I turn into my mother, even if she's dead?
Jesus had a mother. Was he worried about turning into her?
Apparently turning into one's mother is a thing that happens, and a lot of people seem afraid of it. I don't know why turning into one's mother is a bad thing. It seems to involve elaborate organization systems for tupperware and taking all the individually-sized jam packets from the diner "because they're free," but otherwise it seems pretty harmless. But if your mom is dead, can you turn into her? Is it even safe to do so? How can you turn into a person whose memory fades in and out - sometimes she's a flickering shadow, a cool breeze felt behind your ears, and sometimes she's a hurricane,  a visceral recollection that knocks you to the floor while you cry out, "I don't have a mom!" How can you turn into that? How can you survive turning into that? 

Here are ways I am turning into my dead mom:
  1. Wearing big sunglasses and pink lipstick.
  2. Telling inappropriate jokes at inappropriate times.
Here are ways I am not turning into my dead mom:
  1. Still alive.
  2. Not a mom.
What does turning into your dead mom mean? And does it involve either being a mom or dying like your mom? Here's the thing about being a 33-year old daughter of a dead mom who is also in her prime childbearing years: I'm a year past the age my mom was when she had her last child, five-ish years* from the age when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and seven-ish years from the age she was when she died. Here's another fun fact about having a dead mom who died of breast cancer: when you are ten years from the age your mom was when she was diagnosed, they start intensively pre-screening you for cancer. Since I was 28, I've thrown myself under a wide variety of screening devices - the kinds of machines where I sadly have to leave my oversized earrings in the changing room and bring with me only my courage and a surprisingly good recall of Mariah Carey lyrics. The closer I get to my mom's age-at-diagnosis, the more intense it gets. I'm five years out from "D-Day," and sometimes I wonder if that tick-tock I hear is my biological clock or my countdown to cancer-town. 

The thing is, if I have the same dance with destiny as my mom, shouldn't I get busy living, making babies, winning prizes, and generally smashing my legacy like wedding cake onto the face of the world? If I make it to the age of 41, I will have outlived my mother. At which point I can breathe a sigh of relief, but my eggs will be cooked. It will be "safe" for me to be alive for my children, but a bit on the late side to have said children. As the unfettered bachelorette that I am, what kind of gamble do I make? Have a kid and hope I don't die like my mom did? Do I start charting my ovulation cycle like a grown-up, or hide in a corner until my 42nd birthday and wait for it all to be over? Or do I take a full bottle of whiskey into a bar full of sailors and let fate decide? I'm kidding. I'd only walk into a bar full of firemen, obviously.

So there it is, the annual question I ask on Dead Mom Day, and the annual re-commitment to myself and my life. The question: Do I live my life worrying about my dead mom, or do I just live my life? I don't feel like being sad this year. I'm a little annoyed that I even remember this anniversary. But I'll take this occasion as an excuse to get a pedicure, and then get on with my life. In the gentle moments when my mother's memory hangs like a faint shadow, I remember mainly that she was really good at being alive, and that she loved me. So I don't feel like being sad. I feel like having a good time, because I'm still alive, and a lot of people love me.
My mom loves me, even if she's dead.

*My sister and I are really bad at dead mom math. We can never remember exactly how old she was when she died, and every year I have to call my sister the day before Dead Mom Day and remind her, "Don't be sad now. Save it for tomorrow."

Friday, August 31, 2012

Happy Dead Mom Day #21

Happy Dead Mom Day, Prince Harry!
Okay, maybe putting a picture of naked Prince Harry on your blog about your dead mom is not the most polite or respectful thing to do, but it's my dead mom day and I'll celebrate like I want to. You see, as I mentioned last year, our dead mom day is the same as Prince Harry and Prince William's dead mom day. Yes, Princess Diana and our mom died on the same day, several years apart. And like I said last year, I've always felt like there were all these bizarre connections between us and Princess Diana and her poor motherless princes. For instance, Princess Diana and my mom look alike, Princess Diana and I like the same chocolates and I ate a whole box of them the night our mom died, and Princess Diana and our mom have the same dead mom day. (Also, one time I danced booty-to-booty with Prince William, but that's another story.) And then, last week I was having a marvelously shit-tastic day (which is funny because my dead mom days are never that shit-tastic, but wow was this day I had full of emotional shit-storms). So in the middle of this emotional shit-storm, I turned to Twitter for solace and distraction, and what did I see? Naked pictures of Prince Harry!!! How did he know that this is exactly what I needed???? Thank you, Harry!!!! The shit-storm clouds drifted away and all I could see was rainbows, unicorns, and a grainy shadow of some royal dong. We are never alone, people, never. Not even in our darkest moments. If you have a dead mom, the Universe will always send you presents.

So, this morning, I realized it was dead mom day, and I wanted to call Prince Harry and thank him for sending that naked picture into the Universe so it could come to me. But that's ridiculous, I can't call William or Harry because I don't have their phone number, even though we share EVERYTHING else. So, I will put this into the Universe and hope it reaches them through the Dead Mom Coconut Wireless:

Dear William and Harry, Happy Dead Mom Day! If you ever want to hang out on our Dead Mom Day, I would be totally down to eat hamburgers and drink champagne and talk about our dead moms. And if you want to do any of that naked, I'm okay with that too. Love, Laura p.s Call me maybe! (I can't wait to read that joke next year and then facepalm myself.)

I think this just shows what a gentleman Harry is, protecting the lady from the camera. Our moms may be dead, but chivalry is not.
So, what are we doing for dead mom day? Well, first of all, Mele thought yesterday was dead mom day, and she texted me to wish me a happy dead mom day. When I told her that she had the wrong day, she was pissed because she'd already spent a whole day mourning. I understand. It's exhausting mourning your dead mom, and it's just poor time management to spend two whole days doing it. Like, how are we supposed to go to the gym and remember to pay the electricity bills??? We have a dead mom! We are busy!!!!!

Our mom has been dead so long that now she's 21, so of course I wanted to go to Vegas to celebrate, and this was even before I knew there might be a chance of seeing naked princes in Vegas. Now that I know Prince Harry might be swinging in his birthday suit, I want to go to Vegas all the time!!! When I told Mele we should go to Vegas, she replied, "I am unemployed and I live with my dad. Now is not the time for me to go to Vegas." She is so responsible. Harry lives with his dad too, but he still went to Vegas. I really think people shouldn't give Harry a hard time for all his Vegas partying. Sometimes moms die, and sometimes you gotta play pool naked. I get it, Harry, I GET IT! Anyway, I am not going to Vegas. I am going to some rooftop and I am going to drink cocktails. And Mele is pretending that dead mom day was yesterday.

Last year on dead mom day, my friend Liz heard that I was alone, and so she came over to my house, dressed as what she interpreted my dead mom would look like, and brought me flowers and coconut water. It was really beautiful. Not everyone can be visited by Floridian Tropical Dead Mom Barbie on their dead mom day, and I am supremely grateful to the Universe for always directing me towards the right people for my tribe.
Liz as my Floridian Tropical Dead Mom Barbie.
Rule #1 of having a dead mom: Find your tribe. If you can't have a mom, have good people.
Also, here is my anniversary tribute to Prince William and Kate, performed on aerial silks. And by "tribute" I mean, "sorrowful remembrance of the day I realized I would have to be Prince William's SECOND wife." Is it incest if you marry the son of your dead mom's kindred spirit twin person?

Happy Dead Mom Day, everybody!
May love, light and other worlds surround you.

(Images: TMZ)

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Happy Birthday To Our Dead Mom!

I'm running out of time to write this, with just minutes left on the East Coast for our dead mom's birthday, and just a few minutes left before the clock turns and it's my birthday. Mele proclaimed (via text message) that in honor of our dead mom's birthday today, we should wear big sunglasses, bright lipstick, and tell people that we love them. So, please enjoy today's photographic evidence of our big sunglasses/bright lipstick tribute to our dead mom, including an archival photograph of our dead mom, circa 1986. Also:


Happy Birthday to our dead mom! We have the best dead mom ever!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Thanks to our dead mom for having me! I'm so glad I was born!


p.s. Mele got married a few weeks ago, and of course our dead mom could not attend, but that's a whole other story, which I'll save for next time.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Happy Dead Mom Day #20

Happy Dead Mom Day!

Our dead mom has been dead for 20 years. That means our dead mom has been a dead mom for half as long as she was a living mom. Whoa! Our dead mom is way dead.

So, what did we do this dead mom day? Well, Mele texted me to ask if I knew that Princess Diana's dead mom day is the same as our dead mom day. Of course I know that! I remember because I was at one of my high school dance's thinking, This is totally weird that my dead mom has been dead for 6 years and I'm at a dance and [Fartface v. 1997] won't ask me to slow dance! Then someone said, OMG Princess Diana just died! And then I was sad because I kind of thought of our dead mom as being the same as Princess Diana, and now there were two dead moms, and I didn't have William or Harry's phone number to tell them that my dead mom would look out for their dead mom.

See, when our dead mom was a living mom, she and I talked about Princess Diana a lot. Actually, they looked very similar - dark blond hair, big blue eyes, ability to wear a tiara on Tuesdays, etc. One time, my mom bought me a box of chocolate-covered cherries at the grocery store because she'd read that Princess Diana liked them too. It just so happens that someone had brought me a box of chocolate-covered cherries a few days before our mom died. After my step-dad woke me up to tell me that our mom had died, I remember picking up the box of chocolate-covered cherries and eating a lot of them, and feeling comforted that at least, in my darkest hours, I could stress-eat just like Princess Diana. That is sad and gross, but so is having a dead mom, and I can narrate the E! True Hollywood story of my life as it happens to me however I want to. Anyway, to re-cap, our dead mom looks like Princess Diana, our dead mom gave me Princess Di's favorite candy, and then, a few years later, I met Prince William in a pub and he hit on my best friend, and then Prince William married Kate Middleton just a 2 days before my birthday, and on my birthday I wore a Zac Posen for Target dress, and if my dead mom were a living mom, she would totally wear a knockoff of whatever Zac Posen dress Princess Di was wearing, if Princess Di were a living princess and not a dead princess. And then, on my birthday, Osama Bin Laden became a dead terrorist instead of a living terrorist, and we still don't know who killed Princess Diana, so you see, IT'S ALL RELATED! Kind of.

Anyway, back to how we celebrated our 20th Dead Mom Day. Well, Mele hasn't done anything yet. She's busy finishing work so she can go on vacation and visit me and see my big aerial silks performance, celebrating the end of my one-year challenge to learn aerial silks. What did I do for this Dead Mom Day? Well, you'll never believe it, but Apple gave me a new iPhone! Just for having a dead mom! I know! It's great, right? Just kidding. They didn't give me a new iPhone because I have a dead mom, they gave me a new iPhone because the first one they gave me was a piece of crap and it was broken, and pretty soon I was gonna have a dead iPhone and a dead mom. Phew! Glad we avoided that tragedy!

But in all seriousness, Mele and I keep wondering how we should mark these dead mom days. Should we make a bucket list and cross something off each year? Should we run marathons for breast cancer (ha!)? Should we get a mammogram so we don't become dead moms too? (Too late, I had my mammogram in April.) Or do we dress up really fancy and do fancy things, because our dead mom was way fancy, and our dead grandma was even fancier, and Princess Diana was the absolute fanciest, and their cocktail party in heaven is absolutely hopping today, so maybe we should try to replicate some of that back here on Earth? Or do we just keep on doing our thing, being awesome, loving our dead mom and living large? Just because we've got a dead mom doesn't mean we have to live like we have a dead mom, right? Happiness and sadness are two sides of the same coin, and I like to save all my change and cash it in for mani-pedis and prosecco.

p.s. This weekend I was in a gay wedding. My dead mom would have really liked my glittery bridesmaid shoes. Dead Moms for Marriage Equality!